It seems to be
time for a bit of connect the dots. I
have had a number of folks request my “formula” for “success”. Truth is…I don’t really have a formula that
any particular individual can plug in that is guaranteed to repeat the results.
And that is the first challenge. Our marketing… of health care…spirituality…&
happy…that western capitalist culture has reinforced the idea that we can receive
instant cure, instant gratification & instant happy ALL for a price…THAT IS
THE LIE we are told…AND the one we buy & sell to each other.
My first step to
change was getting…DEATH serious. I am
not scared of death. I have experience
too much of it…in various forms…personally & with others…so whatever awaits
on the other side of the vale is of no practical use to me or you when it comes
to how I live in this body. Second was
to accept…if anyone would care…it had to be me…cause NO ONE ELSE can or would
do it for ME. I was already dying…slowly
& painfully. I tried a number of
options for crossing over…I was denied access.
It is easy to wallow in self pity & blame – especially when
suffering depression…it is courage to face it & take responsibility for one’s
own life & choices. No I didn’t
cause or create the abuse or pain that formed my reality…BUT only I could make
it different.
My Next step was
to Get…LIFE serious. OK…so repeating old
patterns of finding the right formula…the right pill…the right religion…the
right trick to fix all my problems…it just didn’t pan out. Nor did my reliance on taking everyone else’s
advice, “proven” facts, & success & apply it rigidly to me. Turns out…I’m me…& I’m NOT you. Doing this really buy’s into the one tape
that was a must break…”I’m too stupid.”
Self defeating yes, I was…stupid resounding NO…I am not.
OK…what do I mean
serious…well…when PTSD, depression & pharmaceutical fog set in…it is real
damn hard to think clearly…AND that don’t even begin to address the challenge
of moving when your body screams pain at every step. Yet it occurred to me…if I’m living in this
much pain…with no relief…perhaps I’m stronger than I think. I learned at an early age to ignore my pain,
dismiss my pain, & be ashamed of weakness.
Perhaps living with pain isn’t the weakness I was led to believe. So I let myself feel it…really feel it…physical,
emotional & spiritual. I used that
movement of thought, energy & vibration…to make subtle but key transition
in my actions.
I used my rage at
the injustice of it all to feed my passion.
I began to remember. I remembered
all the times I was defeated before…I remembered all the failed attempts to “do
it right”…I remembered not just what I did that failed repeatedly…but what I
did that was right…that was true to me…that made sense with what my soul was
telling me about who “I AM” and who I want to be. I remembered a child I helped raise…while I
was trying to raise myself.
My Daughter
Jessica, a free spirit…free thinker…and powerful voice…took on the challenge in
a high-school debate. At the time,
Oregon, was debating the decriminalization of Cannabis. This kid, my kid…wrote a researched essay
arguing the benefits of cannabis & deregulation. That memory inspired my own research. I researched my conditions…PTSD, Fibromyalgia,
Diabetes II, and Insomnia…the top drama makers in my life. I researched the various treatment options
for each. Several key realities popped
up again & again. I had autoimmune
conditions…my body was fighting itself.
I had PTSD…a neurological condition of brain damage…cause by long term,
systematic…repeated childhood abuse & trauma…that lead to a life of
repeated assaults before I even hit “legal” age. I had taken on the role of my abusers…and continue
to climb on my back & beat the shit out of myself just cause. A pattern in need of breaking. I could not fix how the world did things…but
I could choose to do things differently than the prescription the world was
giving me. After all, no one else’s pat
answers had worked, nor had money solved anything…perhaps being my own guinea
pig might prove more beneficial.
Finally something
came across my research…again & again…Cannabis. Miracle cure…hmmm…I’ve heard that before. However, the lab research was promising…Especially,
when I got past the federal censorship, & began to uncover the truth. So, I made a choice. I made one attempt to consult my current
Dr. It was clear I would not get his
support. So I developed what I thought
was a reasonable strategy…Time to get up or shut up…NOT THE SAFEST
strategy. I began to decrease all my
medications…9 scripts for pain, depression & various internal issues cause
by the other scripts…including 240mg a day of methadone (prescribe for pain –
the synthetic form of heroine…ironically used to treat heroine addiction…according
to the Dr. I was the highest dosed on his caseload, & I had already cut my
dose on my own...previously…I had been taking 320mg a day) get the picture? I was brain fogged & still living with daily
pain level consistently as high 7-9, on a 10 point scale…530 lbs, wheelchair
bound, zombie. I then planned &
saved my meager SSD pennies to pay the fees to legitimately try Cannabis.
I didn’t quite get
the timing right…and went through 2 weeks between worlds. Mother was by my side…checking my pulse,
serving me sips of water as I would take and when conscious begging me to go to
the hospital. NO. I said.
I understood her fear & pain…my brother had already crossed over, and
she has suffered much. I could not live
like that…it was not living…it is dying slowly & painfully. I watched her suffer the very same health
issues…I saw myself…there had to be a way to make it different. I finally got things lined up…and got my
permission & prescription. Afghan Abusive…Indica
strain…(yes it matters)…I took a hit. Ok…I
can do this. Second hit…wait…is that my
imagination or reality…I can breath deeper…my muscles stop spasming…the tension
in my back, shoulders & neck ease…wait…am I hungry? Third hit…wow…I am hungry…”Hey Mom…I’m
hungry.” Now for a bit of Divine comedy...how can a plant that gives you the munchies...help you loose fat?
I ate the best
batch of potatoes & eggs ever made.
And something new happened. I
took another hit…and crashed. Yes, this
is HUGE. I don’t sleep. Sleep is dangerous to survival. PTSD creates a hyper-vigilance that prevents
real rest. I was lucky if I dozed for
3yrs at any given stretch. Just my
reality…night terrors…talking…fighting…all while half asleep…it seems I spent
much of my life…half-asleep. WOW…what a
difference sleep makes!!!!! I slept 5hrs that night…straight & solid. I woke up stiff, sore & week…but alive…and
strangely happy.
My weakness was
palpable. I still struggled with an appetite,
and I my diet as yet had not changed.
Nothing tasted right. But that
was ok with me…my pain levels had come down dramatically…and that I
celebrated. I made a decision NOT to do
it “all or fail”…from that point on…I did it choice by choice. I choose each day…to pray/meditate, I choose
each day to get up, eat well & love myself.
I choose to continue to research & learn & heal.
Thing is…YOU…taught
me…I got on-line. I discovered social
media…YUP…I said it…Facebook was a gift to me.
But as with all things…the gift is in how we choose to utilize it. I learned how to teach myself through
YOU. My facebook friends…remind me daily…of
that which I already know…point me in the direction to find the answers I
needed…encouraged me when no one else would…challenged me to see things from a variety
of perspectives…and it did so in such a way that taught me to shield my
empathic gifts so I could continue to grow & give back.
Hemp is a plant, vegetable
& healing herb…with many a varied uses…from building material to curing
brain cancer. It is one of many natural
things given by creation to sustain life.
I choose to listen today…to my body…my mind…my spirit. My body required detoxification…and as
cannabis worked to ease my pain & heal my brain…I could begin to incorporate
what I already knew. Profit motivated
greed was killing me…AND MANY OF YOU…and I was letting it.
I stopped spending
what little money I had access to…on shit that was killing me…POP/Soda…processed
easy chemical based synthetic food products…GMO’s Genetically modified foods…pesticide
covered produce…hormone & steroid filled meats…corn syrup – it’s in everything…NOPE…I
didn’t do it all at once…and I’m not “religious” about it…but I am
vigilant. I went through all the lessons
of all the fucked up diets I was ever on…and took what helped & dumped the
rest. Working with a rigid formula &
strict measurements is a set up for me for failure…I live by grace & faith…cause
beating me into submission only served to be a death trap.
I weigh the
balance each day & with each choice.
An example would be how I shop. I
now take the time to read labels…like I’m OCD.
Sugar is my enemy…so are GMO’s, synthetic chemicals, corn syrup &
refined sugar. I need solid protein,
good fat & complex carbohydrates with every meal. Things like juice…need to be straight from
the fruit. I use natural sweeteners
today. Yes, it is pricey. If I can’t find what I need I simply go
without. Or grow my own…now that my body
& mind work better…I can do more, accomplish more…build on what I’ve
already done. I’ve taken up old school
ways of cooking & healing…that current modern concepts of health would
prefer you sweep under the carpet…they don’t make much profit for them. These ways take more time, &
patients. They don’t give instant
gratification & immediate relief.
Irony…neither did all of modern knowledge & technology. And yet, I don’t need as much of it… and that
makes it somewhat affordable & more satisfying. I no longer need to see my plate “full” in
order to feel like I will have enough. I
no longer feel guilty when walking away when I’m full…over time I’ve learned to
gage my appetite better. I can even
smell when my sugar is higher than it should be…but Sheba knows before me…&
tells me so…that allows me to adapt & make the next choice…& perhaps a
better one. Irony…over time…my body has
changed in such a way…I can’t even stomach all that crap I used to think tasted
sooo good & I couldn’t imagine ever being able to live without.
As for Cannabis…DO
your own research. And don’t let fear
stop you…I am no longer under the defined legal & protected status in Oregon. I fully understand the risk…I have a sovereign
& constitutional right to pursue my life, my freedom & my happiness…without
causing harm or restricting another’s ability to do the same. I would encourage you to Start by learning
about the Endocannabinoid System.
Research the history of Prohibition.
Ask your own questions. Discover
your own answers. If you can…set your religious
& institutionalized convictions aside…so you can give yourself permission
to ask the hard questions. As a pastor I
can tell tell you from experience…the boss never shot me in the ass with a
lightning bolt for fuckin shit up…and as for Hell…been there done that…just
sayin.
I have not lost my faith…as a
matter of reality this journey has only served to reinforce it. I am returning to Mother Earth & my own
cultural heritage…I am listening. I have
heard the voice of my Creator…I have walked with my brother Jesus and today I enjoy
hearing the voice of the Spirit...as she speaks through YOU…through the plants…through
the critters…through all life. I AM living & growing in the Promise…
and I just happened to find my Joy
& my Happy in listening to the Spirit’s voice & discovering just how
precious Life is. My life & Your
life.
Sharing this
journey is the one way I can give back for ALL that I’ve learned from YOU…please
Pass it Forward.
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