Open Letter & Update

An Open Letter...Feel free to Share...I worked on the "profanity" so as not to offend...giggling

To Whom it May Concern...

I was asked to submit the following, this Is my Testimony & Witness to the effectiveness of Cannabis as Medicine & My support of the freedom for patients & their families to choose their own Health decisions, not based on greed & politics...but rather on quality of Life & care of family & community..Prohibition has Failed...all of us Period...

I will NOT claim the label addict, however I have worked with addiction issues in my family, in my social work career and as a Pastor.  Due to my own health decline...I was forced to turn to western health care; which, quite frankly made things much much worse.  Between my own body's failure & the systems failure with all their experts, to help me get treated - I ended up in a wheelchair and on SSD.  My own experience lead me to do extensive research into the science, or lack there-of, the mythology and history of the propaganda that lead to hemp & cannabis being placed on the Federal hit list as most dangerous substance, as the "gateway drug."  My education, training and experience also informs me that addictions are developed from the need to self-medicate for mental and/or physical health reasons, consciously and unconsciously.  The science has already proven that the cannabis plant is not addictive, and current research is revealing that it is actually an excellent choice for treating chemical addiction, and on-going health issues related to the consequences of pharmaceutical dependence related to chronic autoimmune conditions such as lupus, arthritis, and fibromyalgia just to name a few.  Through my own recovery as a patient, my research and as a Social Worker, Advocate, & Ordained Pastor (not sanctioned by my institution - due to the legal catch 22 I find myself in) - I add my voice to the legalization & sustainability movement for freeing this plant to be used for all it's potential purposes.

I went to the Dr just after Easter 2013, for my 3mo check-up & blood work for my numerous conditions - type II Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Insomnia/Chronic Fatigue, Morbid Obesity, GERD. When I started this journey I was taking 9 scripts including methadone for pain management @ 60mg every 6 hrs (what a joke) - depression - stomach. At the time I had not timed things quite right for transitioning to medical cannabis and went into major withdrawal from cutting all 9 scripts -DO NOT DO IT THIS WAY - IT COULD KILL YOU - I spent 2 weeks in and out of consciousness, pain level worse than labor, in a cold sweat, could not eat, was barely able to sip the water mother set next to the bed, when she came to check my pulse and beg me again to go to the hospital. I was going to get off the drugs or go home - I had already stopped living several years early. I had been existing even on the meds with average daily pain levels between 6.5 - 9 on a ten point scale. I had regained my weight + I was over 530lbs. Went from my wheelchair to my lounge chair to my bed - lethargic - depressed - unable to concentrate - memory problems - sleeping in 11/2hr - 3hr naps round the clock. My blood pressure had been steadily rising, and was unaware that I had developed diabetes - The Dr had been so focused on covering his legal butt while dosing a "chronic pain" condition ie "addict."

Keiser had decided to go mid-evil on treating chronic pain patients - covering their legal butt’s - that they put in place a "traffic" light system of monitoring the drugs - including putting a cap on what they would prescribe. I was the highest dosed patient on my Dr.'s caseload - putting me in the strictest category - it did not matter that I had an absorption issue, didn’t matter that my request when approaching treatment WAS always so that I could FUNCTION as an active contributing part of the community,  didn’t matter that I bought the body image issues & their best solution was for me to submitted myself, to by-pass surgery back in 2000 - one result of which was that I no longer absorbed medication or nutrients properly. I may have been struggling with mental health, neurological conditions & chronic medical conditions - but I am not an addict and I refuse to be treated as such. I began to educate myself.  I also found myself seeking the support and becoming a support for a very large world community who have found great benefits to this healing plant.

TODAY - My pain is an ave of 3, my blood sugars have gone down from 11.2 to today 6.0 - My good cholesterol is excellent, bad cholesterol - what bad cholesterol? My blood pressure is averaging 110/72. I can walk without assistance of any kind. I have lost a total of at least 355+lbs. I can read my favorite books from fantasy fiction to history & academic theological thought - comprehending and retaining the information & concept. I am able to manage my PTSD triggers & symptoms.  I am sleeping 5-6hrs at time for the first time in my life. I am producing more constructive thought & work  than I ever have

I am now a proud Stoner, A humble Pastor, A freedom fighting global sustainability cannabis Advocate, for ENDING prohibition,  A gentile & tough Woman,  A loving Mother & Daughter, A beautiful & blessed child of the "I AM."

VENTING THE PAIN

A VENT...from my Pain...if you can't handle it...don't read it....I just need to vent...You can't fix it...& I don't want any pity...

Sitting here one more morning...woke up...if you can call it that...didn't actually rest...cold sweats & needles...nerves zaps & muscle aches...bones throbbing in various places...bowels cramped & a migraine the size of TX...

You know I've spent a lot of time believing the system...telling me how to make what my parents did to me better...ONLY to realize they too where victims of this FUCKED UP SYSTEM...& generations of abuse...the system said it could fix...Irony it was a big part of fucking shit up in the first place...generation upon generation of buy-in to the market driven economics of the greedy & powerful...

SYSTEMS...POWERS & PRINCIPALITIES...all for the sake of control & "good order" (that would be church speak for lets not rock the boat) that feeds the top & slowly starves & bleeds the bottom...

Liberals...let me tell ya...NOT EVERYONE IS GOOD OR WANTS TO BE...NOR can you think you can fix it by trying to control "THEM"...you can't put flowers on shit & expect it to smell pretty...

Conservatives...let me tell ya...Not everyone is out to take from you what you think you OWN...& history is not as nostalgic as you wish to convince me of...

Putting all the responsibility on personal choices...that add to the SHAME OF EXISTING...AS A HUMAN...for it is only we humans with the ability to cannibalize each other simply for our personal sport or entertainment...

I watch from a very early age my Mother suffer as I do...I watched her fight...to be heard...to get to the source...to find relief...I watched as her body was ravaged by their pharma experimentation...

She taught me to be strong...I used to be angry..but now I am grateful...cause I learned...I learned early to ignore my pain...to deny my pain...to stand even when I could barely keep my balance...

My father's favorite sport...how long can Gina take the hits before she breaks...His last beating...I was so good at taking pain...I took 28 lashes of a leather belt across my bare back...I still wear the scars...& went to school for a week with a pillow & bloody pants...but I took it...with barely a tear....& with the defiance he required...

Most of you may not recognize this...& I don't really care if you do...But I never got into the "street drug" scene...& I refused the pharma...at least for my pain till I was already in a wheelchair from the pain...after having tried so very hard not to become what I saw happen to my mother...

But the truth is...once the system had labeled me...Voc-Rehabilitation of our US Gov...once declared me "emotionally incompetent" told me I would never be capable of higher education...& not likely capable of employment...then they began "treatment"...& so began the anti-depressant regime...I was 20yrs old...& the system had already decided my fate...

THEY WERE FUCKING WRONG...PERIOD...

I refused the LEGAL narcotics till I was a full fledged Ordained Pastor of my own congregation...I wanted to work...I wanted to serve...I wanted NOT TO BE THE NEEDY PATHETIC WAIF...I had been made out to be...

I AM A Patient...I'm not looking for my next fix...I'm not looking for the easy out...I simply want access to the nature that my body needs to function well...the nature we were all gifted with by creation...

I am so very grateful for the Cannabis Activist who have taught me the TRUTH...& continue to fight for those like me...I VOW TO GROW...& PASS IT FORWARD

AS FOR YOU GREEDY MOTHER FUCKERS WHO HAVE BOUGHT THE SYSTEMS BULLSHIT HOOK LINE & SINKER...& NOW ARE POISED TO CAPITALIZE ON THE LEGAL MARKET...YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES...i WILL GROW...& i WILL SUFFER WHEN IT'S NOT ENOUGH...I WILL NO LONGER FEED YOUR GREED AT MY EXPENSE...

"America's worship day of Independence"

Random Thoughts of Jesus' Bitch...

As I scroll through my page...& see the post your posts...I weep...

Today..."America's worship day of Independence"...we are slapped in the face with flags, & stars...bombs bursting in many forms...sounds crashing & clashing with symbol...and through the noise of it...all meaning is lost...

How can we celebrate...what we know is a LIE?

This is not a country the promotes freedom, free expression, or free thought...it is a place of corrupting & corrupted power...imposed...imprisoning us in our own purgatory...

We have exchanged on the market our freedom as humans...and bound ourselves to the chains of the so called "free market"...finding ourselves dragged into the current...hate, doubt, bigotry, power & control of our minds, bodies & environments...

Today is just such an example: Market driven celebration...it is superficial...and that is the pain...We know it's a LIE...

I would encourage...If you choose to celebrate...celebrate by FREELY expressing yourself...& living it...

That is how I am going to celebrate...

For YOU bible thumpers...

"Now before FAITH came, [when I was asleep] we were imprisoned and guarded under the law [the rules, the control mechanism, the matrix, the government, the handlers] UNTIL faith would be revealed.......

But NOW that faith has come we are NO LONGER subject to a disciplinarian for in Christ Jesus you are ALL children of God [creator, consciousness itself perhaps] through FAITH [defined in another letter - as the "assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of that which is unseen"]

There is no longer Jew or Greek [the innies & the outies] no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female for all of you are one...

For FREEDOM Christ has set us FREE. Stand firm, therefor, and DO NOT submit again to the yoke of slavery." (exerts from the letter to the Galatians...author attributed to Paul, also known as Saul)

Faith frees the conscious...awakens us to think our own thoughts & feel our own feeling & make the connections we need to LIVE as we are...HUMAN...& part of a greater world...NOT Individual god's with permission to beat each other into subservience...Nor is it a call to lock our brains away with another control paradigm in Jesus name...

And that means...I am free to celebrate my Freedom in MY way...
EVERYDAY...

May you celebrate & find comfort in the midst...it's your choice...with your Freedom

Life chooses Life

It seems to be time for a bit of connect the dots.  I have had a number of folks request my “formula” for “success”.  Truth is…I don’t really have a formula that any particular individual can plug in that is guaranteed to repeat the results.   And that is the first challenge.  Our marketing… of health care…spirituality…& happy…that western capitalist culture has reinforced the idea that we can receive instant cure, instant gratification & instant happy ALL for a price…THAT IS THE LIE we are told…AND the one we buy & sell to each other.

My first step to change was getting…DEATH serious.  I am not scared of death.  I have experience too much of it…in various forms…personally & with others…so whatever awaits on the other side of the vale is of no practical use to me or you when it comes to how I live in this body.  Second was to accept…if anyone would care…it had to be me…cause NO ONE ELSE can or would do it for ME.  I was already dying…slowly & painfully.  I tried a number of options for crossing over…I was denied access.  It is easy to wallow in self pity & blame – especially when suffering depression…it is courage to face it & take responsibility for one’s own life & choices.  No I didn’t cause or create the abuse or pain that formed my reality…BUT only I could make it different.

My Next step was to Get…LIFE serious.  OK…so repeating old patterns of finding the right formula…the right pill…the right religion…the right trick to fix all my problems…it just didn’t pan out.  Nor did my reliance on taking everyone else’s advice, “proven” facts, & success & apply it rigidly to me.  Turns out…I’m me…& I’m NOT you.  Doing this really buy’s into the one tape that was a must break…”I’m too stupid.”  Self defeating yes, I was…stupid resounding NO…I am not. 

OK…what do I mean serious…well…when PTSD, depression & pharmaceutical fog set in…it is real damn hard to think clearly…AND that don’t even begin to address the challenge of moving when your body screams pain at every step.  Yet it occurred to me…if I’m living in this much pain…with no relief…perhaps I’m stronger than I think.  I learned at an early age to ignore my pain, dismiss my pain, & be ashamed of weakness.  Perhaps living with pain isn’t the weakness I was led to believe.  So I let myself feel it…really feel it…physical, emotional & spiritual.  I used that movement of thought, energy & vibration…to make subtle but key transition in my actions.

I used my rage at the injustice of it all to feed my passion.  I began to remember.  I remembered all the times I was defeated before…I remembered all the failed attempts to “do it right”…I remembered not just what I did that failed repeatedly…but what I did that was right…that was true to me…that made sense with what my soul was telling me about who “I AM” and who I want to be.  I remembered a child I helped raise…while I was trying to raise myself. 

My Daughter Jessica, a free spirit…free thinker…and powerful voice…took on the challenge in a high-school debate.  At the time, Oregon, was debating the decriminalization of Cannabis.  This kid, my kid…wrote a researched essay arguing the benefits of cannabis & deregulation.  That memory inspired my own research.  I researched my conditions…PTSD, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes II, and Insomnia…the top drama makers in my life.  I researched the various treatment options for each.  Several key realities popped up again & again.  I had autoimmune conditions…my body was fighting itself.  I had PTSD…a neurological condition of brain damage…cause by long term, systematic…repeated childhood abuse & trauma…that lead to a life of repeated assaults before I even hit “legal” age.  I had taken on the role of my abusers…and continue to climb on my back & beat the shit out of myself just cause.  A pattern in need of breaking.  I could not fix how the world did things…but I could choose to do things differently than the prescription the world was giving me.  After all, no one else’s pat answers had worked, nor had money solved anything…perhaps being my own guinea pig might prove more beneficial.

Finally something came across my research…again & again…Cannabis.  Miracle cure…hmmm…I’ve heard that before.  However, the lab research was promising…Especially, when I got past the federal censorship, & began to uncover the truth.  So, I made a choice.  I made one attempt to consult my current Dr.  It was clear I would not get his support.  So I developed what I thought was a reasonable strategy…Time to get up or shut up…NOT THE SAFEST strategy.  I began to decrease all my medications…9 scripts for pain, depression & various internal issues cause by the other scripts…including 240mg a day of methadone (prescribe for pain – the synthetic form of heroine…ironically used to treat heroine addiction…according to the Dr. I was the highest dosed on his caseload, & I had already cut my dose on my own...previously…I had been taking 320mg a day) get the picture?  I was brain fogged & still living with daily pain level consistently as high 7-9, on a 10 point scale…530 lbs, wheelchair bound, zombie.  I then planned & saved my meager SSD pennies to pay the fees to legitimately try Cannabis.

I didn’t quite get the timing right…and went through 2 weeks between worlds.  Mother was by my side…checking my pulse, serving me sips of water as I would take and when conscious begging me to go to the hospital.  NO.  I said.  I understood her fear & pain…my brother had already crossed over, and she has suffered much.  I could not live like that…it was not living…it is dying slowly & painfully.  I watched her suffer the very same health issues…I saw myself…there had to be a way to make it different.  I finally got things lined up…and got my permission & prescription.  Afghan Abusive…Indica strain…(yes it matters)…I took a hit.  Ok…I can do this.  Second hit…wait…is that my imagination or reality…I can breath deeper…my muscles stop spasming…the tension in my back, shoulders & neck ease…wait…am I hungry?  Third hit…wow…I am hungry…”Hey Mom…I’m hungry.”  Now for a bit of Divine comedy...how can a plant that gives you the munchies...help you loose fat?

I ate the best batch of potatoes & eggs ever made.  And something new happened.  I took another hit…and crashed.  Yes, this is HUGE.  I don’t sleep.  Sleep is dangerous to survival.  PTSD creates a hyper-vigilance that prevents real rest.  I was lucky if I dozed for 3yrs at any given stretch.  Just my reality…night terrors…talking…fighting…all while half asleep…it seems I spent much of my life…half-asleep.  WOW…what a difference sleep makes!!!!! I slept 5hrs that night…straight & solid.  I woke up stiff, sore & week…but alive…and strangely happy.

My weakness was palpable.  I still struggled with an appetite, and I my diet as yet had not changed.  Nothing tasted right.  But that was ok with me…my pain levels had come down dramatically…and that I celebrated.  I made a decision NOT to do it “all or fail”…from that point on…I did it choice by choice.  I choose each day…to pray/meditate, I choose each day to get up, eat well & love myself.  I choose to continue to research & learn & heal. 

Thing is…YOU…taught me…I got on-line.  I discovered social media…YUP…I said it…Facebook was a gift to me.  But as with all things…the gift is in how we choose to utilize it.  I learned how to teach myself through YOU.  My facebook friends…remind me daily…of that which I already know…point me in the direction to find the answers I needed…encouraged me when no one else would…challenged me to see things from a variety of perspectives…and it did so in such a way that taught me to shield my empathic gifts so I could continue to grow & give back.

Hemp is a plant, vegetable & healing herb…with many a varied uses…from building material to curing brain cancer.  It is one of many natural things given by creation to sustain life.  I choose to listen today…to my body…my mind…my spirit.  My body required detoxification…and as cannabis worked to ease my pain & heal my brain…I could begin to incorporate what I already knew.  Profit motivated greed was killing me…AND MANY OF YOU…and I was letting it.

I stopped spending what little money I had access to…on shit that was killing me…POP/Soda…processed easy chemical based synthetic food products…GMO’s Genetically modified foods…pesticide covered produce…hormone & steroid filled meats…corn syrup – it’s in everything…NOPE…I didn’t do it all at once…and I’m not “religious” about it…but I am vigilant.  I went through all the lessons of all the fucked up diets I was ever on…and took what helped & dumped the rest.  Working with a rigid formula & strict measurements is a set up for me for failure…I live by grace & faith…cause beating me into submission only served to be a death trap.

I weigh the balance each day & with each choice.  An example would be how I shop.  I now take the time to read labels…like I’m OCD.  Sugar is my enemy…so are GMO’s, synthetic chemicals, corn syrup & refined sugar.  I need solid protein, good fat & complex carbohydrates with every meal.  Things like juice…need to be straight from the fruit.  I use natural sweeteners today.  Yes, it is pricey.  If I can’t find what I need I simply go without.  Or grow my own…now that my body & mind work better…I can do more, accomplish more…build on what I’ve already done.  I’ve taken up old school ways of cooking & healing…that current modern concepts of health would prefer you sweep under the carpet…they don’t make much profit for them.  These ways take more time, & patients.  They don’t give instant gratification & immediate relief.  Irony…neither did all of modern knowledge & technology.  And yet, I don’t need as much of it… and that makes it somewhat affordable & more satisfying.  I no longer need to see my plate “full” in order to feel like I will have enough.  I no longer feel guilty when walking away when I’m full…over time I’ve learned to gage my appetite better.  I can even smell when my sugar is higher than it should be…but Sheba knows before me…& tells me so…that allows me to adapt & make the next choice…& perhaps a better one.  Irony…over time…my body has changed in such a way…I can’t even stomach all that crap I used to think tasted sooo good & I couldn’t imagine ever being able to live without.

As for Cannabis…DO your own research.  And don’t let fear stop you…I am no longer under the defined legal & protected status in Oregon.  I fully understand the risk…I have a sovereign & constitutional right to pursue my life, my freedom & my happiness…without causing harm or restricting another’s ability to do the same.  I would encourage you to Start by learning about the Endocannabinoid System.  Research the history of Prohibition.  Ask your own questions.  Discover your own answers.  If you can…set your religious & institutionalized convictions aside…so you can give yourself permission to ask the hard questions.  As a pastor I can tell tell you from experience…the boss never shot me in the ass with a lightning bolt for fuckin shit up…and as for Hell…been there done that…just sayin.

  

I have not lost my faith…as a matter of reality this journey has only served to reinforce it.  I am returning to Mother Earth & my own cultural heritage…I am listening.  I have heard the voice of my Creator…I have walked with my brother Jesus and today I enjoy hearing the voice of the Spirit...as she speaks through YOU…through the plants…through the critters…through all life.   I AM living & growing in the Promise… and I just happened to find my Joy & my Happy in listening to the Spirit’s voice & discovering just how precious Life is.  My life & Your life.

Sharing this journey is the one way I can give back for ALL that I’ve learned from YOU…please Pass it Forward.

May I be a fool

Some have wondered how a person who claims Jesus, wear's his name...highly indoctrinated & educated...and still claims faith...yet looks & acts in everyday life...quite a bit like any common street bitch... doesn't that make me a hypocrite?

I write this not in defense...for the Creator is my witness & the truth reveals itself...the following is a rough draft paragraph of a chapter in my childhood experience of "christian"...

"A big colorful school bus named the “Joy Bus” came through every Sunday morning & Wednesday evening, collecting neighborhood children, and taking them for indoctrination at McArthur Park Church of Christ.
At that time, they were a moderately growing congregation off Loop 410 in San Antonio TX. The bus was fun, the adults at first were pleasant, we sang songs & got treats & prizes for right answers & approved of behavior. I later returned as a young mother to discover the same indoctrination of a much larger Mega church version of the same said congregation. I learned to memorize my bible books and various verses. I learned the old old stories, from a particular point of view, of course. As it so happened, as Jim (father) had set precedent, the church reinforced that I was indeed valueless, a worthless sinner not deserving of the love of even that which created me. And boy did we try, they baptized me at least twice before we moved.

I learned to read scripture in such a way that it was fact, and that the moral lessons & laws that applied to keep the bad people in line. If the bad people listen to God followed all the rules, written & unwritten, revealed & hidden, and did so properly then they would be rewarded with Gods unconditional love and the proof would be that life would be wonderful, easy, happy & pain free. I was among the bad people, I never quite understood why I was, but I was."

I don't typically quote scripture for a number of reasons, primarily it was never meant to be read as a "how to book" or weapon but the following are a few of my favorites...

Galatians...vs from chp 3 & 5 ..."now that faith has come we are no longer subject to a disciplinarian, for in (by/because) Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith...there is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female, for you are all one in (by/because) Christ Jesus...For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm therefore and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery."

Corinthians...vs from chp 1..."For since in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, God decided, through the foolishness of our proclamation (announcement - not judgement, not contempt, not control, not enforcement, not guilt & browbeating, not guilt tripping or any other form of coercion) to save (salvation was a term that also was about mercy, justice, healing & wholeness not simply an afterlife) those who believe....God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not to reduce to nothing things that are so that no flesh might boast in the presence of God for God is the source of your life..."

Corinthians...vs from chp 13..."If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, Love never ends.......and now faith, hope and love abide, these tree; and the greatest of these is love.

I'm Happy to make clear...I still live among and am one of the "bad" people that where given value in the fact of their creation...As it turns out Jesus himself was most critical of the religious...he preached about justice & mercy, feeding & healing, walking, eating and partying with the "sinners" actively & publicly in defiance of the purity laws & customs of the day. Jesus lived among, befriended, made family of all the riff-raff...from tax collector, to hoe, from beggar to leaper...all those He Loved wink emoticon

If I be a fool may I be a fool as my bro was...as for my hypocrisy...that is for you to decide

smile emoticon

When doing what looks Wrong...Because it is Right

As I have experienced the world, we are bombarded with rules, written & unwritten... Codes of conduct, culture & familial embedded & reinforced in such a way that making the “right” choice to honor one set of rules directly contradicts another set of rules…

One example includes a short trip to the Federal Social Security Administration in Las Vegas NV.  When one needs to replace identification...which is required to for instance... driving or getting a job, renting housing temporary or otherwise...one can not go to federal jurisdiction to get a copy of the social security card... required for getting local identification...not to mention not being able to access the funds to pay the fees to acquire said identification.

Mind you...we live in a technological age when with a few key strokes one can be quickly identified when one is caught on the “wrong” side of said rules.

Another example is discovering that the institutions of the “church” have allowed themselves to be co opted in such a way, that it is also illegal to feed the poor without proper identification & bureaucratic structure, for fear that some who are hungry might also “take advantage”...Oh God forbid in a country that wastes more food than it can consume?!?!  For some the justification is “for the sake of good order.”

So I cry out… with the Laments of old & new...from the Psalms of the Hebrews such as Ps 88...the one ps with no praise... to the expressed pain of street reality which is sung through gangsta Rap...From Native prayer & drums crying out for the healing of Mother Earth...to the numerous religious & cultural expressions crying out for world peace, justice & freedom.  

And so I look to see what was & what could be…It occurs to me that history cycles around to teach...if we allow her wisdom to sink in…

In Genesis chapter 38, the first text of the Pentateuch or Hebrew Torah…”In the Beginning…”, there is a story of one woman’s perspective.  

Her Name Tamar...insignificant by all accounts...her name is in reference to the “palm tree.”  She is acquired & given in marriage to Judah’s (one of the twelve sons of Israel) first born son Er as a wife.  By rights she is now set to receive her promise...the thing that gives value & status to a woman at that time...children with birth rights.  It was set to guarantee her provisions.  However, Judah’s sons choose darker paths.  Er dies of what appears to be Karma, or God’s punishment for his “wickedness”.  Onan is next in line, but wants to preserve his inheritance & economic advantage, so “drops his seed,” in short get’s his rocks off for free, while denying Tamar her due place.  Karma kicks his ass for it, but Judah blames Tamar for being a “black widow,” which results in putting Tamar in a state of Limbo...she is sent to live in her father’s house, denying her “breeding rights” which he is obligated to perform himself, while also denying her the freedom of other widows to “remarry” in such cases of childlessness.

Tamar wisely takes matters into her own hands.  She set it up in such a way that Judah unwittingly & unknowingly fulfills his obligations.  For all appearances, she looks to have played the slut & he is going to cover his self-righteous ass by condemning her to death...UNTIL she hands him the proof of his own guilt...his own seal & staff returned in her hands.

Confronted with the mirror of Truth, Judah repents...changes direction...he owns his part & honors her rights & justifies her actions, in so doing restores justice...and is rewarded...Karma? perhaps...with two more sons, twins.  Perez heading the lineage that leads to King David, and further down the line to the one known as Jesus of Nazareth.

It occurs to me that sometimes the “rules” aren’t the problem.  Perhaps the challenge is that we let the rules think for us, excuse our behavior or justify our cruelty.  It occurs to me that some of the most powerful lovers in history...Jesus himself at the top of my list... Loved by re-framing the rules...and demanding & creating the possibility of merciful Justice that promotes peace, hope & freedom!  

Scripture Truth revealed in shadow…

If I haven’t learned anything I’ve learned the messages we send out are many, layered and often mixed.  Our biggest issue ultimately is our inability to control the thoughts feelings & actions of others.  Boy if I could do that, I would never have to take responsibility for my own.  So lets lay it on the line...If I have learned nothing of religion & even those who claim no religion, I have learned that how we seek, investigate, experience, think about, interact with the higher place/energy/being found within & without our individual material existence…that place within us that tells us how we make sense of our world & the experience of it… I have learned no matter what version of philosophy, religion, spiritual practice, cultural context…it repeatedly speaks & points to life giving truth… AND due to the human condition is just as quick to be used in every attempt to control what makes “me” uncomfortable in others – which in reality actually becomes a very destructive force to life, love & freedom.

There is much to criticize about what we call the Holy Bible, from the actual text, to the context, to what is in & what is not, to how it is used.  I am one of the first to raise the hard questions that become blatant spotlights on what seems contradictory, paradoxical & and if read believing it is the “inerrant word of God,” it often reflects a God who seems at best bipolar & at worst sadistic.  I personally have come at it from a number of perspectives.  My introduction was fundamentalist indoctrination, which served to feed into & reinforce the belief within me that even though I instinctively understood there was power that was not my own, that was a part of creating me, it hated me.  I believed I was worthless, and had to earn my value by becoming everything I was not, this would include the attempt to control my very thoughts, feelings & beliefs.  Emotional manipulation was the weapon, recruitment the goal.  Whether one thinks of evil as an entity – the devil, a force – energy/will or as a self determined act, admittedly it worked its damage well, the evil that attacks me most is emotional, mental & spiritual insecurity.

A few things which have become clear with time, study, experience is that our material lives – that includes the breathing we do in this time & place on this earth, in these bodies – has limits – we can call it natural law – our physical body only last so long.  We hold within us varying degrees of knowledge, skill, gift, understanding, vision.  We come with a variety of biological, historical & cultural experience.  The point being I’ve come to recognize, I have little knowledge & experience to judge another person or the path in life they walk.  I also recognize no one else can legitimately hold judgment over mine.  Consequences are a whole other can of worms.

Some things scripture has taught me, through story, context & experience…Full & abundant life requires Love – unconditional acceptance of what is – a love that holds within it truth & freedom.  Humans hold within them all that makes life possible & all that can destroy that very life in this time & place.  The Gospel or Good news found in the story or life of Jesus is not whether he was man, God, prophet or not, healer, heretic, messiah, symbol real or fiction.  The Gospel or "good news"is quite frankly and on many levels simply offensive.  It at once holds us to account for our own thoughts, beliefs & actions AND at the same time frees us by giving us permission to be just what we are.  The offense is that it is in living life that abundant life is found, not in some formula of control – of myself or of others.  The irony is that one develops self control, wisdom, and experiences comfort, peace of mind & heart in the midst of pain, violence & chaos.

Take one short New Testament story that has been much used to justify taxation that has nothing to do with taxation.  The story can be found in several places, including Matthew 22:15-22.  The setting…One large oppressive military state has taken over the region & imposed their own laws, blending an odd mix of being allowed to keep ones religious practice as long as the “feds” (emperor/senate/Rome) had priority in everyday life.  The consequences for not adhering to the law – local, religious, cultural or national could & often did end in death.

The characters…some religious fundamentalists, and a few “sheeple herders”  who are not happy with the new kid on the block, his ideas & practice threaten their comfort zones – that is it triggers their fear.  He is preaching to the sheeple that have longed for a different way to live out from the under oppression.  These who have sought him out do to the rumors they heard about what he had to offer.  The religious nuts (Pharisees) are determined to stick with the control script, the sheeple herders (Herodians) are just out to cover their own ass, come together to form a tenuous alliance in order to mark their turf to this infidel – he wears the wrong gang colors & has a big mouth.

The set up…taxes…paying them supports the state, not paying them can get you killed…either way the question posed is a set up…Jesus was no idiot – he may or may not be many things – but idiot is not one of them.  One of the rules that sets up several stories on money in new testament, is that only Rome could distribute silver coins.  One of the religious rules was that one could not even depict human face on something like a coin, it was tantamount to idol worship, to even use a coin with an image is blaspheme.  Jesus says show me the coin used to pay the tax & asked the question “who’s image is on it?”  His response is “give to Caesar what is Caesar’s & to God what is God’s.”  He doesn't explain what that is, how that is, or even the ritual to make sure to do it right…he simply threw it back in their lap…with the truth…You are free to choose” 

      

It begs the question, “what will you choose?”